Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody!

Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!

- Rocky Balboa (2006)

There are two worlds of magic.
One is the glittering domain of the illusionist.
The other is a secret place,
where magic is a terrifying reality.
Here, men have the power of demons.
and Death itself is an illusion...

A while ago back, I posted an entry about looking into the future. It still haunts me sometimes, how one is able to see what lies ahead for them. How every journey is written in indelible ink and cannot be undone even if we try. Swarmed with thoughts over the unending series of events, it takes a lot out of me to sit, meditate and refocus. Mentally and physically drained finally got me spiritually drained as well. I always say that to be your own god, you need to face your own demons. And there is no support system to back you up but yourself. Crazy thing is that the demons come from within you as well. The maths gets complicated from here onwards. A word of advice, if you're not prepared to do what it takes and give it your all, don't attempt it. Under any circumstances. There is only one way out and it is through. Cobain and Winehouse hesitated. I shall get my rest, and in the morning, it will be a new day. I have done what I can today, and the day before today. I have done my best. Tomorrow will be a better day than today. If not, it will still be, by any means necessary.

word.

I am a beggar. Torn and broken down below freezing point, I beg. I beg not for money, for those can be found and made. I beg not for love, or trust, for I deserve them no more. I beg not for charity, kindness, or empathy, for they are merely words. I only beg for one thing. Hope...

Today's a reason for living.
Today's the blood from a stone.
Today's the light from a candle,
helping us to find our way home.
Today we carry each other.
Today the past is a freak.
Today is the time for forgiveness,
you will never beget that to me.

Today is tasting the honey.
Today's the strike of a match.
Today's the lines in the pavement,
helping us to find our way back.
Today's the crosses we carry.
Today's the strength that we need.
Today's the hand of an angel,
you were not the kind to believe

Today we carry each other.
Today we do what we should.
Today is the time for forgiving,
today I wish I could.

I'm sorry I can't lie.
I wasted too much time,
Drowning, I've been blind.
But I've opened up my eyes.
Sorry I can’t lie,
So I'll just say goodbye,
goodbye, goodbye...

Our Lady Peace - Sorry

Dreamt about my inevitable existential nightmare... It has been recorded.

The tin man epilogue bequeaths the אֲבַדּוֹן prologue...

The moon turned red last night... Here it goes.

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.

-Lawrence of Arabia

I stopped smoking. Withdrawal.

Initially stopped the stick for two years. One of the milestone achieved. Again, I could find a scapegoat to blame it on, but I won't. Going cold turkey is crazy so I have my training to thank for this time. It keeps me sane, and it keeps me motivated.

After all, what I put in me today maketh me tomorrow...

The Tin Man Prequel...

The deal was made. As He packed everything into his tiny briefcase, He caught my glance as I stared fervently at the tiny red sliver peeking out. It was a deliberate tease. He knew. I was fidgeting.

"Do you want it back?"
"I can't. Can I?"
"I could give you one more chance with it. One last shot."
"Ok."
"So you really do want it? Y'know, you'll be better off without it. You've come so far."
"Yes. Just this one last chance."

He had to sneer, "One last chance. One final chance." He stood up and handed it to me.

I took it. I felt...

The Great Destroyer...

I woke up under a heap of people. Took me a while before I finally clambered out of the heap to the top for some air. Those around me seemed lifeless though their eyes were wide open and you could see their souls flickering within. I looked around the huge landfill of lifeless people. They were all naked. We were all naked. It took me some time before it finally dawned upon me that this 'heap' ain't made up of homo sapiens. These were angels.

Dead angels.

Angels, being immortal, cannot actually die. They can only be trapped in a lifeless body as ethereal beings and be deemed useless. They feel everything though they cannot bleed, they see everything with their eyes though they cannot blink, and their perfect bodies do not decompose. They stay in this state for eternity.

Until a reason to bring them back to life gives them another chance.


Upon which, they return to serve a different master.


Upon which, they are angels no more...

I light up, inhaling my vice and taking in the ambience. The flashing lights. The people. The sins.

Them lemmings never fail to amuse me.

Whoever said the world was in a chaos was obviously archaic and ignorant. The new age of man is far from being unpredictable. The only thing in disorder is probably the juices powering the medula neurons of the lemmings.

But everything else, every action and reaction, is predictable...

Amazing.


word.

My Weekend...

How was your weekend?

Saw the world turning in my sheets. And once again I cannot sleep... Walked out the door and up the streets... Looked at the moon beneath my feet. Remember rights that I did wrong. There is no place I cannot go. My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy... does it show?

I lose the track that loses me... and so I sent some men to fight. One came back at dead of night. Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me. So I set out to cut myself...

I'm not calling for a second chance... I'm screaming at the top of my voice...

Give me reason, but don't give me choice. Cause I'll just make the same mistake again....

And maybe someday we will meet. And maybe talk but not just speak...

Dont buy the promises...


Cause there are no promises I keep...

It was a day full of contemplation. I do that all the time when I drive long distances. I've never been a fan of long distances. Then again, I'm not a fan of breathing but it's something I have to do to keep my soul grounded on Gaia.

I reached the cube past lunchtime and stare into the black screen and the blue tiny lights as my corporate laptop starts up. I opened my drawers to reach for my papers then I noticed the stack of photographs-cum-postcards neatly stacked in the corner.

The unsent words.

I sink back into my seat.

And I contemplate some more...

Your eulogy...

It's gonna be an awesome weekend...

Empty...

I need some distraction,
Oh beautiful release,
Memory seeps from my veins,
Let me be empty,
And weightless and maybe,


I'll find some peace tonight...

Vessel

I've always been known to cross lines...


You let me put it in your mouth,
You let me get under your skin,
You let me put it in your veins,
You let me take you from within..


They tell us what we can and cannot do
Same thing we've heard 100 times before
Well, I put you inside of me
But none of that matters anymore


I am you and you are me
We will never be alone
I have finally found my place in everything
I have finally found my home


We can leave all the past behind
I can see right through the whole façade
I'm becoming something else

I am turning into...